When puberty started to hit I didn’t have any idea what to do. They had told me about this in the 5th grade, but I was way too scared about the fact that it would happen to ME. (5th grade me: Whaaaaaaat the fuck is this about bleeding once a month?) It was like a threat to my person, waiting in silence for the right moment to strike and rip apart everything I knew about myself. To be honest, I don’t really remember much about my chest developing. I do, however, remember checking my seat every time I stood up for probably 6 months straight to see if I had bled unrelentlessly all over it. I did NOT understand what the fuck they meant by "ovulation" and "tampons" and "cramps" and "fallopian tubes" mainly cause I didn't give a shit. Then one day I went to the bathroom and it was BAM. BLOOD. 8th grade = WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. I was so horrified, and I hadn’t a clue what to do or who to talk to. I don’t remember who I ended up telling, but it was definitely a day or two later. I was ashamed beyond belief, and I didn’t want single soul to know. Besides that I don’t recall much of my body changing throughout the years. I ignored it as much as possible and only did what was necessary to take care of it (things like wearing a sports bra and using pads/tampons). It was like having an arsenal of things to utilize so it was just taken care of and out of the way. I just kind of continued on in my little dreamland where everything was a-ok.
During middle school and high school I debated about whether or not I was straight. Eventually in the 9th grade I came out as bisexual. I thought I had finally figured out why I had felt so weird! I felt fantastic, but that eventually dissipated as I continued to wonder what was so different about me. It wasn't until my junior year in college that I really started to get to the nitty gritty of my person. I had previously heard of the term ‘transgender’ and had in fact read about the transition of a transman while I was in middle school. I thought “That’s possible?! That’d be so cool! But…it’s in a magazine…I could never do that.” and that was the end of that. Now that I was older I had a better idea of what I was capable of. So now instead of thinking “That could never happen to me” my thoughts became "I really want that to happen to me." I wanted to transition. I wanted to become the person I had always felt that I was, but was never entirely sure how to find him.
I spent my days in the late spring thinking about this new thought; this idea of transitioning and how I was completely capable of going through this process. I watched so many YouTube videos posted by other trans guys and became more familiar with the idea. A few weeks later I started to talk to my friends about what I was thinking and the idea of transitioning and changing my name and everything. There was one conversation I had that I'll always remember: I was talking to a good friend about how I didn't want to make life inconvenient for other people by trying to remember a different name and pronouns. I was worried about stressing people out and making them uncomfortable and angry. She said to me "If it was just you and only you and there was no one else in the world and you could be whatever gender you wanted to be, what would you be?" I said I would be male and all she said was "There you go" and that was that. I was realizing who I really was, and the more I did the more I couldn’t contain myself. When I actually started coming out I felt the best I had in my entire life. This invisible wall that had been between me and the world was coming down. My confidence soared, and so did my personality. I fell into the person I was truly meant to be instead of pretending to be someone I wasn't. I have never felt more aligned with the person inside than I do today.
I hope you all are doing WONDERFULLY and enjoying the holiday season :)
Today I leave you with this:
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