Tales from Under the Bear Pelt: Bathroom Antics

Hmmm...been quite a time period since there's been a post that I've written. I know, I know. You've all just been so sad without reading my witty comments, hilarious jokes and wonderful news. Well NOW YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT! Cause I'm back baby, and it's gonna be big.

First off, I've been searching for this Shrek quote for at least 2 weeks now. And by searching, I mean screaming the first line, mumbling the second line, half-assedly screaming the third line and then complaining about how I can't remember and I should "fucking look it up when I get home". Yesterday I realized I had a smartphone (hahahah irony) and tried to look it up that way. That ended poorly for the people working with me (or awesomely I like to think) because I began saying random Shrek quotes loudly. Ones such as "I like that boulder, that ias a nice boulder" Or "OOOOOH You're a GIRL dragon! I mean, OF COURSE you're a girl dragon!" And I couldn't find the one I wanted

:(((((

BUT! I do have a computer at home with internet so I looked it up there AND FINALLY FOUND IT!!!

"You are mean to me, you insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!" THANK. GOD. I have been trying to say this one for so long and it was just SO IRRITATING I COULDN'T REMEMBER ONE FUCKING LINE. (In case you were wondering, it was the "you insult me" line which is funny because I do that to people all the time.) So now, when I go to work tonight I can start saying it to people so they can look at me funny and go "What the fuck are you on kid?" and I can say "MOTHERFUCKING LIFE BITCH IT'S MY DRUG" and then they'll ask for some and I'll say "Fuck no, go get high off your own life."

In other news, I wanted to talk about my bathroom situation because I'm sure that all of you just want to know where I like to pee. Well. Let's see. I'll start with a story because everyone JUST LOOOOOOVES STORIES (especially when I tell them :D)

I first started coming out around the same time as turning 21. Before I was even 21 I realized that this would put me in quite the dilemma: should I used the guys bathroom at the bar? I mean, I've never even been to the bars so it would be kind of badass to just start off using the dudes bathroom. So I decided to do that. At first I was super. fucking. weirded. out. First off, I discovered that one bar bathroom had no actual toilet seat (fortunately I didn't fall in). And every time (and still is) it was incredibly nerve racking to walk in every time for these reasons:

- Will one of the guys in there try to call me out? I know guys leave each other alone (cause I mean, you got your thang out) but still. I didn't want to hear "WOAH MAN. WOAH. Aren't you a chick?!"

-I HAD to show my ID to get into the bar, so will one of the bartenders see me walk in and then try to either a) head me off or b) call me out.

Because I'll tell you right now, one my WORST fears at this point is being called out. The last thing I wanna hear before I'm about to completely piss my pants cause I have to pee so damn bad is THAT'S NOT THE BATHROOM YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE USING.

Anyway, these heavily influenced my decisions while at the bar. I was doing pretty good, but then one night I went out with some friends I hadn't come out to yet. And of course, the fucking bathroom had to be literally DIRECTLY across from where we were sitting. Soooooo I chose to not say anything and go into the chick's bathroom. I did this twice, and BOTH times was half-assedly redirected to the guys bathroom. Both times the girls stopped, but I'm not sure why. Maybe they were so in awe of how sexy I am that they just decided to drop it? That's what I like to think.

So after that I was just like "Hey guys I'm transgender" and they were all like "THAT IS AWESOME" and now I use the fucking guys bathroom all the time FUCK YEAH

Also, another thing I found out about a guys bathroom at Mike's is the one on the bottom floor definitely has no door for the "stall" so that that was a fucking quick piss holy fuck.

Now, I actually strategize my bathroom use. I know where the least busiest ones are and when. I know where unisex bathrooms are and which buildings have one sex on one floor and then the other on a different floor (because separate bathrooms just weren't enough). And of course I don't look at a single fucking person when I go in, although I'm pretty sure no one looks at me either.

Although I swear some dude stared me down today when he walked past me, but that was out of the classroom I was standing outside of and I'm assuming he was just in awe of how sexy I am as well.

And now that is enough of toilet humor (hardy har har).

As a side note to this (but don't worry, I won't end it this way) I want to say that while I joke about these kinds of things and write it the way that I really do think about it half the time, some of what I write about can sometimes be rather serious. I like to write this blog and discuss these things with humor for a couple reasons: a) It helps to communicate to people unfamiliar with transgendered people what it is like to be trans (at least for me specifically), b) to inform people about certain things that trans people go through and hopefully someone can find the information useful (such as the hormone process, name change, etc) because really I hope that someone finds this blog that really needs it, and 3) it helps me deal with some of the more serious stuff because this is an outlet. It helps me remember that even though there are times that shit just sucks fucking balls and I wish and wish and fucking wish some fucking more, I'm lucky enough to have the support of my friends and family, have been able to be pretty open about it (my decision of course, but some people can't be at all) and that I am fortunate enough to be able to transition at such a young age.

But in all reality, these are serious things that trans people deal with regardless of being ftm or mtf. So I ask that you enjoy my blog (which you better damn well be doing already! I mean, I hope you are :D), but also realize that while I joke, I also deal with these things on a day to day basis as well as other transfolks out there as well as much of the GLBT community, just in different ways. I also think that may have been a run on sentence but really I don't give a shit :D

So now that I've given such a SUPER CEREAL SIDE NOTE, I will leave you with how sexy I am with facial hair:

Thinking maybe I should work on shaving cause that is a little off center.