Burning your retinas out PART ONE

Holy shit it has been a WHOLE WEEK since I've posted. I'm not sure if that length of time has passed since I started posting regularly but it feels like FOREVERRRRRR :((((( But now I'm posting so yay!!! :DDDDDDD Also normally I hate when people do the extra smilies but not eyes, but right now it portrays exactly how I feel. So I guess I can understand.

So I'm supposedly getting a new phone soon. Which is awesome. But one of my favorite things about looking at potential phones was "OMG WHICH ONE LOOKS THE COOLEST?!?!" and now they're ALL THE SAME. Well, for smartphones at least. All of them have a LARGE SCREEN with some buttons on the bottom and some kind of border that is the case. So your choices are "do I want this one with the LARGE SCREEN or this other one with the SLIGHTLY LARGER SCREEN. Or maybe the SLIGHTLY SMALLER SCREEN because I don't want to completely BURN MY RETINAS I LIKE BEING ABLE TO SEE"

Anyway, I have received some questions that I would absolutely love to answer.

1) How did you find out about transgenderism and how were you able to understand and identify with what was being explained?

This is a really fucking good question. Hmm. Well, I would have to say it would be way back in the 7th/8th grade when I was a wee lad and I read an article in some magazine about a ftm who had started hormones AT THE RIPE YOUNG AGE OF something below 14/15 I believe. It was before puberty had hit, so he only had ONE PUBERTY as opposed to TWO (yuuuuck). I specifically remember reading that article and thinking "ohmygod that's possible?! Holy fuck that would be awesome!!" Of course at the time I thought it was just ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE for me to do anything close to that. Not because it was relatively uncommon in the media at the time or because of worries of not being accepted for who I am but because it was in a magazine so IT MUST BE OUT OF MY REACH. By the way, STUPIDEST thing you could ever think. If you ever think anything is beyond your reach then that is a fat lie you are telling yourself. Fucking reach for the motherfucking stars.

I'm pretty sure that is the first time I learned about it. And I don't remember thinking "oh this dude is transgender" but "He used to be a girl? and now he's a guy? HOW DO I DO THAT?!?!" It wasn't "oh this is how he identifies" or "omg this explains me" but more "how can I make that happen in my life?"

I think I was able to understand simply because it was how I felt and it just made sense to me when I read about it or heard about it. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that a person could be transgender and that it was something that was...different? Kind of like how when you get older your perspective on a lot of things changes because everything is in a different context. The main thing that happened was realizing that my body was slowly turning into a woman's body and how that made me uncomfortable. It was kind of like "oh hey you've just been hanging out all these years doing your thang and now BAM WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS BITCH?!?!" Like a slap to the face. It would be a combination of all these things that led me towards this realization (I really like that word if you can't tell). That and I always gave myself a guys name on Oregon Trail, and always played the male character in Fable, and really just chose the male version if I could on anything possible. This wasn't something I really thought about as a kid; I was just being who I felt like and it didn't matter because WHO THE FUCK CARES. IT'S WHO I AM, NOT YOU.

There are further questions, but I really want to sleep (surprise surprise) so I'm going to leave this as PART ONE and then post PART TWO tomorrow/Friday (FUCK YEAH FRIDAY!!!!!!!!)

And with all this children, I bid you goodnight/noon/morrow/morning whatever floats your boat!

PS Just realized I can bold things!!!

I expect turkeys

You know what's exciting? Posting a blog AT 4 AM IN THE MORNING.

So I FINALLY have internet. Thank. God. Considering all my classes required the internet it's nice to be able to do shit at home rather than planning my day around OHMYGOD WHERE CAN I USE THE INTERNET?! Which was seriously happening. I'm not sure if it counts as sad or not since I needed it for school...and facebook...oh and posting blogs. So I guess it evens out.

So I'm pretty fucking STOKED cause my appointment with that therapist IS ON FUCKING FRIDAY. FUCKING. FRIDAY. Holy shit. I do wish she could sign me off on HRT on Friday, but I know it won't happen. I'm totally ok with that cause she's gotta make sure I'm not crazy or something. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE MY ASS. Speed on to Friday please (and past my math exam too).

There are many things to be thankful for at this point AND IT'S NOT EVEN THANKSGIVING YET! I think eating a turkey everyday that I am thankful for what is going on in my life is necessary. Which considering that's pretty much every day I expect A BAJILLION TURKEYS at this point. And not live ones. Ohmygod the next thing you know there are turkeys running around my neighborhood and down into main street. Then on the news you hear "RAMPANT TURKEYS LOOSE AND TAKING OVER THE CITY (if you could call this place that)" Nope. Gonna avoid that shit and go with dead ones that I can stick in my oven immediately. Anyway. Right. Things I'm thankful for (I expect another turkey). People have been super supportive and open with my transition. I will be honest and say I was not expecting such a reception. I didn't think people would flip shit on me, but the response has been SPECTACULAR. You guys play a huge role in this as well, and I didn't realize how big of a role until people started SHOUTING ALEK ACROSS THE DINING CENTER. It's a huge part of the reason why I was able to start responding to it so quickly. In fact, now if I hear the name "Alex" I will turn my head (cause it sounds SO MUCH LIKE ALEK). And people asking questions and being interested in what's going on and being excited about the things I'm excited about. And the professor and grad students I work with have been awesome and remembering Alek and male pronouns. Actually, THIS is how AWESOME IT IS:

My professor told the people upstairs in the office and the payroll lady was able to put Alek on my time sheet instead of Amanda. FUCK YEAH. Speaking of which I officially have SIXTY-FIVE DOLLARS towards a name change (and yes the only reason I spelled it out was so I could type it in all caps cause '65 dollars' just doesn't have the same impact) I'm hoping to get that done in the next couple months. Oh that will be a glorious day!

I've been thinking that it would be SUPER COOL if you guys suggested blog topics that are related to transitioning, transgender, gender in general. Part of the reason I write this blog is to inform you guys of what's going on with me, but also about transgender stuff in general. It is something that is not very frequent in the media at this point and I really want to help people understand what it is and how it is different from identifying as anything else.

Also as a side note, I don't really expect turkeys (although they are delicious).

So I leave you with this:

If you want something you better fucking take life by the horns and tell it what's up. You don't have to stand for living how people expect you to. It's up to you man, you gonna balls to the walls it or not?

What the FUCK are you talking about?!

An introductory post is in order I believe.

The name is Alek. I am a female to male transgender. Translation: I am a male but with a major birth defect. I was born WITH THE WRONG BODY. Imagine, you wake up and BAM you've got boobs. Or a penis, whichever is the one you don't have. Now some guys probably have some kind of fantasy of "Wouldn't it be awesome to have boobs? I mean, you could play with them whenever you wanted!" While this may seem like a fun idea, let me tell you something. BOOBS. SUCK. Well, having them anyway. Boobs on girls are awesome ;D But seriously. They get in the way of everything. They jiggle, bounce and spill all over the place. The last thing I want is to jump up and down or run across the street and have my boobs attempt to defy gravity. And honestly, they're painful. My chesticles run on the larger size, so when they are bouncing around they have this nasty habit of what feels like trying to pull the rest of the skin on my chest off. Trust me dudes, you don't want boobs.

Fortunately (or in my case, unfortunately) you typically don't wake up with new genitalia. Not too much I can do about it except hope that in my lifetime scientists find out how to grow penises in the lab from your own genes and then can attach it to your body and have it be exactly as if you had been born with it. But I feel like this falls under the same category as time machines, transportation devices and conscious swapping mechanisms. They might happen, but lets face the facts: we've been hoping for these things ever since people thought we would have flying cars in the 21st century.

I am slowly working on coming out to everyone I know. That's right. EVERYONE. Because if I don't do it now, there's gonna be that awkward moment down the road when someone you haven't seen since middle school goes "uuuuum weren't you a girl?" because, you know, luckily I'm friends with every single one of those people on facebook. But seriously, I am attempting to cover every single person all at the same time to avoid having to continuously come out. I hate it. I hate the fact that I have to "come out" as opposed to being bio-male. I hate the fact that I have to transition. I shouldn't have to. I should just be. I don't want to have to 'pass' I want to 'be'. Where I currently am in the process, I've still got a long way to go. I have to decide if I'm going to tell my teachers for fall semester prior to classes starting. I have to decide if I'm going to attempt to use the male bathrooms because at the this point I'm starting to get weird looks in the girls. It's such an awkward spot to be; not wanting to cause trouble in either restroom while unsure if I pass enough to use the mens. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked to finally be doing this. But damn, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be.

There is my rambling ramble. I'm gonna head out, but if you hear of any successful brain-transplant surgeries lemme know. Imma hop on that and get a new, bio-male body fo' sho'